When Tim and I moved to Arkansas, we were excited to find that they had an affordable gym in the area. It cost our family of five, $300 for a year's membership to a weight room, gym, indoor walking track, outdoor running track, a small water play area and play ground for the kids, and an indoor fitness room. In Wisconsin, there wasn't any affordable areas for us to get away and have fitness facilities at our ready. We had the outdoors, but there is something to making yourself go to the gym and putting money down to use it, you feel compelled to get your money back by its use. We also rotate our time, he goes in the morning, and I go in the evening after he comes home from work. We get time away and work on ourselves for an hour or more and are much better at home because of it. We enjoy outside time too, but it's in the upper 90's right now for temps, and neither of us feel up to going out and killing ourselves in the heat. I do look forward to some hiking and outdoor activities this fall, and even this winter. Here they don't get much snow, if any, and that opens up far more outdoor opportunities than we ever had in the north.
As for my own fitness journey, it's a roller coaster. I truly am fighting a food addiction and dependency. I use food for comfort, boredom, and for feelings of uncertainty. I even eat more when I'm tired. My fitness journey encompasses my mental health, sleep patterns, and finding something that motivates me. Saying that I am getting healthy for myself is a great start, but it often is not enough to motivate me when I have days that I am "low" and I have a hard time caring enough for myself. Those are the days I reach out, I get support from loved ones. My mother inspires me because she is such a beautiful person and she often times can talk me into feeling better about myself and caring. She has been my best friend and most sincere ally of mine since I was young, and I have always felt I could confide in her. I am fortunate that I could find that within my own mother, and hope that my children feel that way about me as they grow up and seek comfort in others and need a confidant. My middle sister is my twin from another birth year. We look identical, just a few years of distance between us. She is very fit, healthy, and eats right. She looks more beautiful than ever because she not only takes care of herself physically, but continually works on herself from within as well. She is often seen sporting a "can-do" attitude, and almost always has a smile on her face. My husband is my side-kick, and is also working on his health. Finding a support system is huge.
Another thing that I am trying new this time around, that I feel is truly going to tip me further into health and fitness is the ability to forgive myself. This is going to be a life long process. If I go out to eat, eat a candy bar, or drink a soda, it doesn't have to be the end of my journey. Did you know that the chosen symbol for depression is the semi colon ; ? The idea behind the semi colon is that the person with depression chooses to not have depression be the end of their story. As the author of their own lives, they choose to place a semi-colon, where they could have put a period; signifying they chose to live on and further their story where the could have ended it. As a person that fits this on a daily basis, I feel this fits not only the depression, but my ability to forgive myself. I ate a candy bar last night, or maybe I ate two; and today I did better. One mistake, one piece of cake, one meal at Sonic, or a few bad days does not have to be the end, but perhaps another opportunity to start anew. I also have decided to give myself the freedom to have some space to eat something unhealthy every now and again if I chose to. It is very unrealistic to believe that I will never have sweets, as I truly enjoy them. The key is to not eat as much, and to realize that it can't be what drives all of my hunger and my meals.
I also refuse to go on a "diet". In fact from this time forward, I refuse to even mutter that swear word. The "D" word may make you lose weight, but are often unrealistic in long term health and fitness. I refuse to spend a ton of money on shakes that make you poop like gooses, meals portioned out for me and placed into a carton for me to eat (that are good until say 2030), or powdered fake protein candy or bars that taste like chalk. You've got to be kidding me... this is supposed to replace a candy bar? If I have to force myself to ingest it, how I am supposed to make it into a change that sustains and continues? I also can't go hungry. I refuse to sit in a house full of food and remain hungry because my "D" word tells me I can't eat any of it. Absolutely not! Instead, as we ate the food in our house, we started replacing it with healthier food options.
We go grocery shopping about twice a week. I plan my meals, and at each meal there are tons of veggies, fruit, and a meat. Then there is always something else, like a roll, rice, bread, baked beans, noodle salad, etc. Right now I am working on paying attention to portion sizes. You can literally eat cups full of vegetables and never reach the point of over eating. I pay attention to portion size so I can better empower and educate my food choices. So I eat a lot of veggies, because I can. Veggies also help your gut, they help colonize the good bacteria in there, and if it's a problem, they also help you poop by adding fiber. Then I eat the fruit on my plate, that's like your instant energy with natural sugars. Then I eat my protein, meats, etc. for long-term energy. Then, if I'm still hungry I may delve into carbs, but at this point, I've eaten enough of other things that I am not as hungry so I don't eat much of it. I allow myself to make my food taste good, so I do use salad dressings (within healthy reason) and butter to eat and cook with. End result, I lost about 10 pounds in a month just by choosing to eat healthier. I've eaten occasional junk food in-between, just not every day.
You also need to start moving, whether it be at the gym, walking, or housework. To be truly healthy, you should be walking 10000 steps a day.
Now on the other end of the spectrum, I have been in a "low" for about four days. I have not been to the gym, because even if I did, I wouldn't last long there before my brain tells me to just go home. This is my depression, and I fight it daily. On any given good day I can easily walk 10000 steps and eat healthy, on a bad day I reach maybe 3000 to 6000 steps and will most likely opt for fast food because I just don't care. This is where the forgiveness sets in. I've eaten chocolate, ice cream, Taco Bell, and Sonic in the last four days, and I haven't been to the gym. Today I am starting to feel better, and I refuse to let this define my future, my journey. I will start over and pick up where I left off, because this is not where I end it; tomorrow I will be better.
I am not on a diet; I am on track for a long-lasting, healthier choice of lifestyle. (okay so I said the "d" word twice... I forgive myself for that too.)
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Starting Anew
Life, I have found, comes in waves. Days can pass and nothing happens, and then life hits you at full force and everything happens all at once. Life has hit once again. Our third son was born this April, he is now three months old and growing quicker than the first two it seems. Everything appears to come and go quicker than it used to. I often wonder if time continues to speed up as we age; I think it probably does. But in the past three months the husband received a new forester position in Marianna, Arkansas, we had a baby, we moved, we're working on selling our house (well sorta), and now I'm currently working as a stay at home mom until an RN position falls in my lap. I have to say, being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and harder than going to work. Bella is in kindergarten, Landon is going to 3 year old kindergarten, and Dawson, much to my own heart ache, will be in daycare when I start working. Which means breastfeeding will most likely be out the window, a decision I would have frowned upon pre-baby years. It amazes me that as you experience things, your focus shifts, certain things become irrelevant, other things more important, and you spend time pondering on things you said that were quite nicely put, bum-hole things to say. For instance...
After two attempts at childbirth, I realized that with my third, I was my own kind of Wonder Woman and I could do the whole process all natural. My first baby girl was 7lbs 2.1 oz., Landon my second baby was 8lbs 8 oz. I was almost ready to deliver and I decided on epidurals. Me, running my big know it all mouth, stated, "I don't know why women scream through child birth. I made it to the end of my births and remained silent." Mind you, the furthest I was ever prior to medication was at 8 cm, I got an epidural, and then had my son a short while later. So again, Wonder Woman, decided she could do it all by herself. WOW was I humbled quickly.
I made it to 8 cm... and stayed at an 8 for over two hours until Dawson, my 8lb 9oz baby, entered this world. That did not occur until after I was refused pain medications because they thought, "She's going to go any minute", as I delivered and passed through the stages of labor with my other two quite quickly. Because believe me, I was crying and begging for them before the whole process was over. And I screamed during childbirth, to my utter and complete embarrassed self. And I became humbled at that point, and apologized to all the true Wonder Women who gave birth the natural way, and did so with far less overall complaints than I gave.
And I tip my Momma Hat to all those "naughty kids" in the store that I used to lift an eye brow at (prechildren years); after all, can't you control your children better? Have you heard of discipline? I again, humbled, smile to myself at this. As it was just a mere two weeks ago... I check out at Walmart, my 2 1/2 month old screaming in his car seat, and my two older children are where? Oh that's right... they're in the entryway of the Walmart, wrestling on the ground, full force, Landon smiling proudly as he pins his sister on the ground. Me, quickly sliding my debit card and trying to get out of the store to spare any dignity I had left. So as customers carefully side step around my two older children, I swiftly grab both hands, pull them off of the ground, place one in the cart, the other I drag out of the store screaming as I hold her hand out to the van, uttering promises for when we get home. I have a firm, but gentle hold of my daughters hand and she screams all the way through the parking, "Stop, stop, you're hurting me!" Again mortified, as it most likely appeared as if I was attempting to abduct my own children from the Walmart store. At that very moment, I probably would have tried to return them to the store, but I think they would have denied me any refunds. I now vow to only go shopping if absolutely necessary with all kids, or with the husband as my own children are just too naughty to be in public with just me.
My kids are also the ones that never let me talk on the phone for more than a few minutes without disruption (a sincere apology to my own mother, as I know we did this to you). They throw tantrums in public places, cry for chicken nuggets from McDonalds (because we do that too), are bribed with icecream to be good through the store or church, and a many other things that I remember thinking that my kids would just simply never do. End point, life humbles you. We've come a long way. I started this blog to express my joy of motherhood, which I still feel. I still have joy with this very stressful job of mommy life. But I can now express some of my heartfelt woes as well, and some experiences that will prove that, as much as we try, we are not perfect (as much as Facebook says otherwise). And really, don't talk unless you've walked the walk, had that baby, experienced that pain, sat through church with kids, and walked through Walmart with three small children. How, my own mother, are you still sane?
But some new priorities have come afloat as of late. We moved here for my husband's job, and I hope to support him in this. I truly hope this experience for him gets him to where he wants to be. I hope to move into a hospital RN position. We both want to educate and love our kids to death, and provide them with amazing experiences while we're down here in AR. Our focus is on our children and to be better parents. We strive, for perhaps, a more simpler life so that we can focus more on the things that matter. Before we left Wisconsin, we sold a lot of our clutter, and that was incredibly freeing... you should try it some time... simplify life! Mostly we want to focus on our marriage, as that trickles down and ultimately affects our children. Mom and Dad are happy, then babies are will be happy, and as a result, life is good (if only it were that simple). I'm looking forward to looking into the church down here and immersing ourselves in that. And as for myself, I have some personal goals. I have gained quite a bit of weight since marriage, and I hope to find a healthier me. I want to do so without having to drink crazy shakes, completely limiting my food options, and starving myself. I want it to be a life long change. And writing inspires me to work towards my goals, so perhaps you'll hear a bit more from me as I find my way through all of these new and old adventures.
After two attempts at childbirth, I realized that with my third, I was my own kind of Wonder Woman and I could do the whole process all natural. My first baby girl was 7lbs 2.1 oz., Landon my second baby was 8lbs 8 oz. I was almost ready to deliver and I decided on epidurals. Me, running my big know it all mouth, stated, "I don't know why women scream through child birth. I made it to the end of my births and remained silent." Mind you, the furthest I was ever prior to medication was at 8 cm, I got an epidural, and then had my son a short while later. So again, Wonder Woman, decided she could do it all by herself. WOW was I humbled quickly.
I made it to 8 cm... and stayed at an 8 for over two hours until Dawson, my 8lb 9oz baby, entered this world. That did not occur until after I was refused pain medications because they thought, "She's going to go any minute", as I delivered and passed through the stages of labor with my other two quite quickly. Because believe me, I was crying and begging for them before the whole process was over. And I screamed during childbirth, to my utter and complete embarrassed self. And I became humbled at that point, and apologized to all the true Wonder Women who gave birth the natural way, and did so with far less overall complaints than I gave.
And I tip my Momma Hat to all those "naughty kids" in the store that I used to lift an eye brow at (prechildren years); after all, can't you control your children better? Have you heard of discipline? I again, humbled, smile to myself at this. As it was just a mere two weeks ago... I check out at Walmart, my 2 1/2 month old screaming in his car seat, and my two older children are where? Oh that's right... they're in the entryway of the Walmart, wrestling on the ground, full force, Landon smiling proudly as he pins his sister on the ground. Me, quickly sliding my debit card and trying to get out of the store to spare any dignity I had left. So as customers carefully side step around my two older children, I swiftly grab both hands, pull them off of the ground, place one in the cart, the other I drag out of the store screaming as I hold her hand out to the van, uttering promises for when we get home. I have a firm, but gentle hold of my daughters hand and she screams all the way through the parking, "Stop, stop, you're hurting me!" Again mortified, as it most likely appeared as if I was attempting to abduct my own children from the Walmart store. At that very moment, I probably would have tried to return them to the store, but I think they would have denied me any refunds. I now vow to only go shopping if absolutely necessary with all kids, or with the husband as my own children are just too naughty to be in public with just me.
My kids are also the ones that never let me talk on the phone for more than a few minutes without disruption (a sincere apology to my own mother, as I know we did this to you). They throw tantrums in public places, cry for chicken nuggets from McDonalds (because we do that too), are bribed with icecream to be good through the store or church, and a many other things that I remember thinking that my kids would just simply never do. End point, life humbles you. We've come a long way. I started this blog to express my joy of motherhood, which I still feel. I still have joy with this very stressful job of mommy life. But I can now express some of my heartfelt woes as well, and some experiences that will prove that, as much as we try, we are not perfect (as much as Facebook says otherwise). And really, don't talk unless you've walked the walk, had that baby, experienced that pain, sat through church with kids, and walked through Walmart with three small children. How, my own mother, are you still sane?
But some new priorities have come afloat as of late. We moved here for my husband's job, and I hope to support him in this. I truly hope this experience for him gets him to where he wants to be. I hope to move into a hospital RN position. We both want to educate and love our kids to death, and provide them with amazing experiences while we're down here in AR. Our focus is on our children and to be better parents. We strive, for perhaps, a more simpler life so that we can focus more on the things that matter. Before we left Wisconsin, we sold a lot of our clutter, and that was incredibly freeing... you should try it some time... simplify life! Mostly we want to focus on our marriage, as that trickles down and ultimately affects our children. Mom and Dad are happy, then babies are will be happy, and as a result, life is good (if only it were that simple). I'm looking forward to looking into the church down here and immersing ourselves in that. And as for myself, I have some personal goals. I have gained quite a bit of weight since marriage, and I hope to find a healthier me. I want to do so without having to drink crazy shakes, completely limiting my food options, and starving myself. I want it to be a life long change. And writing inspires me to work towards my goals, so perhaps you'll hear a bit more from me as I find my way through all of these new and old adventures.
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